CHERBOURG, FRANCE – Beginning in 2019, school children everywhere will only have to learn dates like 1066 and 1492 and not the centuries in which those events took place. Today the board of the Federation Internationale de Historique Temps, the worldwide governing body of history, voted 5 – 3 with one abstention to eliminate the first century BC and the first century AD.
This move will finally bring in line the actual date and its corresponding century. For instance, as we all memorized, the actual year in which Henry VIII first contracted genital herpes was 1506 or as elementary school teachers remind students - the beginning of the sixteenth century. Confusing? That is what the FIHT board concluded. Michel Deleroux wrote in the board’s opinion, “Finally with this reconciliation, 1506 happened in the 15th century. Perfectly intelligent people will no longer have to pause a beat while they try to sort out a date that is one less than the infernal century number.”
Millions of people will indeed be thankful, but a USA Today/Penthouse poll shows that 38% of Americans were content to bite their lip, look off into space, slap themselves in the forehead and say, “I meant this is the twenty-FIRST century, not the twentieth. Man, I’m stupid!”
Others still vigorously object to the new old system. Writing in the three-member dissent, Sandra Houston insisted that compromise was possible “if it were not for Mary getting knocked up right smack dab in the middle of history. Jesus’ birthday really threw a monkey wrench in the works. If we take a look at moving Christmas back to prehistory, then we can negotiate the dropping of a century, but as it stands now, getting rid of two centuries is too much to ask of any rational person living in the 20th century. I mean 21st century. Man, I’m stupid!”
