Myrtle Petry Considers Preemptive Strike On Agnes Clawson

POMPANO BEACH, FL – Several residents at the Swaying Palms Assisted Living Community expressed concern to authorities that efforts to forestall a preemptive attack initiated by Myrtle Petry (82) against Agnes Clawson (103) were failing.

“I don’t see much hope for peace around here. This thing has been brewing for fifteen years and I cannot see it ending without bloodshed. And frankly, that’s bully bully with most of the Viagra-popping gents in this cemetery waiting room. We’re rather keen to see a hot, octogenarian, blue hair-pulling, purse-slinging, gum-you-to-death cat fight,” said Major Bruce Singyn-Smithe (78).

“WHAT? What’s that sonny? Speak up,” added Bill McHenry (88), formerly of Minnetonka, in a valiant attempt to concur.

The current tensions are the result of a long-standing dispute stemming from a 1977 incident in which Myrtle claims that an enraged Agnes hurled food at her in the midst of a heated Yahtzee tourney. Most witnesses testified to the orderlies that the alleged strained peas were accidentally knocked into Myrtle’s lavender blouse by Agnes’ palsy hand.

As evidence of the immediate threat posed by Agnes, Myrtle sites the blank stares she receives from Agnes, Agnes purposely walking slowly down the hallway ahead of her and Agnes giving off that funky old people smell whenever she is around. Myrtle contends that she is forced to live in constant fear that, at any moment, Agnes could bludgeon her with a shuffleboard stick, gore her with crochet needles, pummel her with a walker or beat her senseless with a bedpan.

As a clinical vegetable, Agnes Clawson is unable to rebut Myrtle’s allegations.

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