Jesus Wishes He'd Considered Preemptive Strike On Romans

HEAVEN – In his first interview given since he resurrected, Jesus H. Christ sat down with Knews in an exclusive all-questions-on-the-table interview, which will air in its entirety during May sweeps week.

In the interview, Mr. Christ spoke about his biggest regret, “Turn the other cheek? This is the best I could come up with? I don’t know, I guess it’s not that lame, but I really dig this new Bush Doctrine deal where you get to smacketh down thine enemy before they actually do anything to you. Brilliant!”

Mr. Christ revealed that His disciple Paul had at one point called for an Apostles vote to “inflict some serious, heavy duty, Act-of-God pain on Pilot.” “Paul was so sure that Pilot was an evildoer, but I know Paul just wanted revenge because Pilot tried to whack his dad. Judas, on the other hand, bought into my cheek turning dribble and blocked the vote with a veto threat. So the world will never know what kind of precision-guided smart wrath I could’ve dropped on Pilot’s ass.

“Paul even came to me with the possibility of acting unilaterally, without the Apostles’ authority, but I believed at the time that showering down some righteous vengeance would lead to others like Mohammed and Buddha taking matters into their own hands and dishing out their own brand of payback. And, I mean, when a jive turkey like Mohammed gets to play judge, jury and executioner, the world’s sunk into some pretty bad mojo my friend.”

Next month will mark the 1973rd anniversary of Jesus being hoisted upon the crucifix. He recalls His thoughts at the time, “Dude, you don’t know hurt till you’ve got nails through your palms for 77 hours. Me!!! And extra strength Tylenol ain’t going to do the trick pal. Only my faith in Me sustained Me.

“On the first morning, I looked out into the crowd and I see hundreds of prostitutes all dressed in pink marching. I had forgotten it was National Whore Day, too. There was Mary Magdalene and the gals carrying signs “No wrath for frankincense” and “Pay for love, not wrath.” I was with them when they were getting stoned and I was with them then. It didn’t even occur to me that I could have pulled the flashy lightning bolt bit preemptively before those dirty potlickers put me on the cross.

“Looking back, though, I see how right Dubya is. You’re either with Me or against Me. As the universe’s only Super Power, it is My moral obligation to punish potential evildoers. I know now when someone is thinking about possibly doing something bad, I have to layeth down some whoop-ass before they can do what they, maybe, were going to do. From here on out, it’s ‘do unto others BEFORE they can do unto you’.”

On another subject, Mr. Christ answers the eternal BIG question everyone has been asking, “I think those Cadillac Escalades are sweet, my brutha. Yeah, I’d be driving a white Escalade with those revolving wheel hubs.”

Jesus reminds everyone when you’re in the Heaven area, be sure to check Him out in Waiting For Godot with Rene Descartes.

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