Scientobbalahists Find Pope's WC Remarks Offensive

MALIBU, CA – Celebrity followers of Scientobbalah from Los Angeles to London reacted with outrage to Pope Benedict’s inadvertently recorded comments Thursday evening concerning the validity of their religion. The recording occurred shortly after the Pope concluded an interview with the Christ Services Programming & Information Network. In what the Vatican is calling a wardrobe malfunction, the Pope’s lavaliere mic remained on as he excused himself to “do a # due” in his holiness’ water closet. While on the papal throne, he placed a cellular call to an unidentified bishop that was heard live by an estimated 17 million people with nothing better to do than to watch C-SPIN. The two chatted in latin, often exchanging “a priest, a rabbi and a prostitute go into a bar…” jokes. At one point after laughing at a “L. Ron Hubbard and a Jewish mystic go into a bar…” joke, the Pope is heard complaining, “those whacked out Scientobbalahists with their big fake American breasts and phony religion are going to pull us all down to hell in a hand basket.”

A spokesman for the Malibu colony-based Scientobbalah Centre defended the religion which is based on the combined teachings of Tom Cruise and Madonna, “In these troubled times we live in, what we need now more than ever is more people meditating on a cross in lingerie as they wait for Xenu to take them to the Galactic Confederacy in his Douglas DC-8. It’s all right there in the Holy Scriptures if you know how to unlock the mystical messages of the one true sci-fi novel creator.”

A coalition of celebrities headed by Demi Moore and Jenna Elfman had their publicists take out a full-page ad in Variety denouncing the Pope as an anti-celebrityite. The ad read, “For your consideration…by making these statements, the Pope is only showing his insensitivity and ignorance of the history of celebrity persecution by the media. For years and still today, we are constantly asked about our personal lives when we only want to use the media to plug our latest project. He is obviously taking some kind of anti-depressant medication. He should apologize to every celebrity, even Mel, personally through our publicists.”

Other responses included many Scientobbalahist celebrities threatening to stop bringing their hairless purse dogs to gala opening parties, to withhold photos of their adopted Darfu babies, and to stay married for a whole year.

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